Issue 15: Kiss 2021 Goodbi 😘
In which I rant on several topics and Macy Harder interviews the bicon of all bicons: Robyn Ochs 💗💜💙
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Hi bicons!
How is everyone? I’m fucking fantastic, honestly! Taking a week off feels SO DAMN GOOD, especially when I remember that last year at this time I was in the middle of GREEDY’s first draft. According to my camera roll, one year ago today, I was locked in the bedroom at Brinley’s old apartment, holding onto our dogs for dear life.
I find it difficult to even THINK about being back in the thick of writing this thing. My body was caught between atrophy (because I maxed out at like 300 steps a day) and ennui (because I spent multiple paychecks entirely on getting Westville’s kale salad delivered). I wore the same pair of Brinley’s underwear for around three weeks straight, but on the bright side, I did change my shirt every few days! Note the leopard print and boxer-brief combo, pictured above).
But now I’m here! My book is done and out in the world! Hopefully some of you have read it! Hopefully you liked it!
Last month I wrote about writer’s block and book postpartum—two things I’d hoped to be over by now, but alas! Rather than doom you to another essay whining about all that, I’m gonna try something different.
In the spirit of year-end lists and top-ten lists (the latter of which paid subscribers will now be receiving on the reg), here’s a list-ish thing, featuring mini-essays (I think they call them…paragraphs?) about a bunch of different topics I can’t shut up about these days. Basically, if you and I had dinner, I could guarantee you that I would mention 6-7 of the following:
Quantum Jumping
Have you heard of this? I hadn’t until this week, but apparently it’s big on WitchTok / ManifestationTok / MenWillSayThatAstrologyIsBullshitButClaimThatThingsLike“TrickleDownEconomics”AreRealTok. Basically, Quantum Jumping is a form of body-hopping within the confines of the multiverse—the idea is that, through powerful visualization and concentration, you can actually hop to a different timeline/reality and enter the body of yourself in a more thriving state. I absolutely believe in the power of visualization and manifestation (not because I have done it myself, but because I CAN’T seem to do it myself and that makes me certain it exists). I found myself falling down a #QuantumJumping spiral the other day, to the point that I brought it up to my dad, a multiverse-obsessed mathematician. He blinked at me, nonplussed, and replied, “That makes no sense—multiverse theory clearly states that the multiverses cannot come into contact with one another.” A valid point. Still not sure where I stand on this issue.
TikTok in General
Should I use TikTok more often? I rarely open the app, but every time I do I feel like I’m actively enjoying or improving my life. As my friend Emily once said, “TikTok is the app I feel least depressed after leaving.” These days that’s saying a lot.
Sperm Banks
Brinley and I have been exploring for fun (just for fun right now, we promise), and whoa—these places are WILD. For a fee, you can look at way too many details about their donors: You can see donors’ artwork, listen to donors talk, and read personal essays the donors wrote. It’s nauseating, but of course helpful to have this much info(tbh dating apps need to catch up). I still feel so gross looking at the website, like I’m walking in a building that’s covered in something sticky. I’m sure that someday I’ll get over these heebie jeebies, but at this point in time, I think I might have a phobia of jizz. (Still bisexual though—impostor syndrome, don’t FUCK with me.)
Anime
I’m trying to get more into it but can’t get past the fact that so much anime is riddled with sexism. I’ve pretty much only watched Food Wars, which obviously isn’t perfect. Any gender-inclusive, or, better yet, queer recommendations? I’m listening.
Emily in Paris
I hate this show so much, so naturally I was THRILLED when my parents wanted to watch it last weekend. I was also thrilled when I realized that Luc, the office wacko, is bi (and that Jeremy O’Harris’s role and collection were both v genderqueer). The majority of the show’s clothes still horrify me, but this helped.
Queer Representation
On that note, I’ve been thinking a lot about what good queer representation looks like. I’ve seen several recent examples of queerness in a general sense that feel normal—understated—and I really appreciate them. The most recent and most stuck in my mind is Tawny Cyprus’s Taissa on Showtime’s Yellowjackets (I wrote about my obsession with this show in December’s top-ten newsletter for paid subscribers). In Taissa’s relationship with her wife, their queerness is presented as fact and clearly acknowledged (and cleverly, too, when someone refers to Taissa as “the queer Kamala”). I feel like this is where we’re headed, and it makes me embarrassed that I had to write a whole book about being bi. But then I remember how badly I needed to hear the word bisexual to validate my desire to exist in the in-between, which is why I wrote Greedy in the first place. Bi representation is still few and far between—even Emily in Paris didn’t use the word “bi” to describe Luc, which actually shouldn’t even count as bi representation by my own standards (see The Bi Monthly Issue 1). I’m sure bi people will get there too. But we’re in a moment right now where representation for other groups of queer people seems to finally be getting its footing, so it’s a tricky time to be outspoken and unsatisfied about bi politics. Classic erasure at work. (More on bi representation from Robyn Ochs below!)
Detachment
I just started the very famous book Codependent No More, and WOW. What TRUTHS this thing spits at you right from the beginning! While reading, I’m struck by my own tendency to squirm away from the descriptors—to convince myself that it isn’t me they’re talking about, or to try and cast blame on others in my life. But eventually it hits me with a character descriptor (e.g., “gives unsolicited advice, then gets upset when someone doesn’t take that advice or when that advice doesn’t work well for them”) and I’m out of plausible deniability. The chapter about detachment is really hitting home—especially the fact that detachment itself can be an act of love, and doesn’t have to mean leaving someone or abandoning them. It simply means, as the famous Alcoholics Anonymous quote says, that you “accept responsibility for the things you can change, accept the things you cannot change, and have the wisdom to know the difference.”
Benedetta (Amazon Prime)
You’ve probably seen this trailer and have either said “fuck yes” or “meh, not for me.” If you said “fuck yes” (as I did), then perhaps you’re wondering if Benedetta is that one rebellious nuns movie with all the cool fonts. Why yes—God has smiled upon us! Most scenes in the movie fall into one of three categories: 1.) Porn, 2.) Charlotte Rampling being Charlotte Rampling, or 3.) Unintentional comedic excellence.
Frottage
Frottage refers to “sexual rubbing,” a form of non-penetrative sex, often employed by queer people (and especially queer people with vaginas). I’ve heard this word before but we became reacquainted thanks to the real Benedetta’s Wikipedia page. One thing I haven’t heard before (but can’t imagine I’m the first person to say): Frottage-core. If I am, in fact, the first person to type that hyphenate, then I insist it refer to the movie genre of Queer Women Falling In Love During A Time When That Love Was Forbidden. Patent pending, thank you.
My Bubble
I’m writing this newsletter from my childhood home in Indiana, where yesterday I asked my brother (read: forced him) to watch Q-Force, a Netflix show about gay secret agents. I love this show, and typically my brother and I like the same kind of comedy—while watching Q-Force he laughed a few times, but for the most part he didn’t get the humor. I found myself explaining lesbian stereotypes and drag terminology to him, as well as the joke of assigning the gay agents to West Hollywood. He ended up enjoying the show, but the experience really reminded me that I live in a bubble and not everyone’s life is as flaming as mine.
The Lost Daughter (Select theaters now, Netflix 12/31)
I saw this movie in theaters a few weeks ago and it was revelatory. I can’t get any of the performances, or any of Maggie Gyllenhall’s shots, out of my head. There’s far too much to say here, and I don’t wanna spoil it so just please, see it. Maybe I’ll do the Bi Monthly’s January issue about my thoughts, so consider this your signal to watch the film.
Paired (An App for Couples)
Brinley and I downloaded this app, and we love it! Basically each of you answer the same questions about your relationship and yourselves, and then you get to compare the answers to each other. Think the Newlyweds game, but private and designed to inspire better communication. 10/10.
Aligning Your Goals To Your Values
I’ve been working with my ADHD coach to plan my goals for 2022, and one of the first pieces of advice she gave me was to align my goals with my values. For example: One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to cook more, and for me, that’s a big deal. (If you read Greedy, you know that I’ve basically made “hates cooking” a part of my personality.) This values-based technique means that, when I consider whether or not I want to cook on any given night, I think about the reasons I chose this goal for myself. It means I remember WHY I want to cook more: To save money because I want to buy a home someday, and also to share the experience of cooking/eating with my family because that’s valuable quality time. Remembering my big picture dreams makes my in-the-moment laziness feel irrelevant, motivating me to get off my ass. If you’re making a list of resolutions or commitments to yourself right now, I highly recommend walking in the room purse—I mean, values first.
Sous Vide
Speaking of cooking: I bought my mom the Joule for Christmas (fun fact for those aforementioned Greedy readers: This is the same sous vide Eden had). This was a great gift if I do say so myself, but it came with a TWIST: My mom loved it so much that she bought me one too. It’s not the perfect thing for me considering I rarely eat red meat, but also because sous vides feel like tools for experienced chefs—not amateurs like moi. But I’m gonna do my best to make mama proud and put it to use. Tomorrow I’m making beer-battered fish and chips for a New Year’s Day brunch potluck—wish me luck.
Mobile Games
Cooking is lucky I chose it, because my New Year’s resolution should 100% be to stop playing mobile games. I spend hours tapping cards or connecting dots on my screen before bed. Sometimes I even commit the cardinal sin of convincing myself that, because I don’t spend money at bars these days, it’s perfectly fine for me to pay $1.99 for an extra play! But these games are basically slot machines, and I know in my gut that it’s repulsive behavior to give my hard-earned money over to them. That said, I do LOVE how terrible the ads are, and I guess I’m a little bit delighted to support the art house project that is this twitter account: @MobileGameHell.
“LA is such a seller’s market”
This is my current favorite catchphrase for three reasons: 1.) I love pretending that I can have conversations about real estate, 2.) It reminds me of Greg Mania’s perfect New Yorker piece “How To Kick Your Zillow Habit in 2021,” and 3.) Because Brinley and I are house-hunting in preparation for our move to Los Angeles this coming August (!!!). Before you get too excited, know that we’re still gonna be renters—we originally thought we might buy, but quickly realized that even houses far out of our budget look like trash. On that note, another favorite catchphrase…
“Inflation is WILD rn”
I keep saying this to people in hopes that it will start a conversation that helps clarify what the damn implications are. I won’t attempt to give any financial advice—you have my word—but I do highly recommend a few content creators who tell it like it is about budget stuff: @ajadang and @heyberna.
Open by Rachel Krantz
This book. THIS. FUCKING. BOOK. I cannot WAIT for this book to be out in the world. Open is a memoir about a polyamorous relationship, yes, but it’s also about gaslighting, boundaries, self-respect, blurred lines, social justice, and so much more. It’s sexy, but it’s also brilliant. I tore through it last month, lost in the erotica, almost unaware at how much I was learning. Rachel did so much research on relationship dynamics, then whittled it down to essentials; she left a revelatory footnote on almost every page. I feel grateful that Rachel and I met in that first-time authors Slack group I talk about all the time, and now feel unbelievably proud to call her a friend. Open comes out on January 25, but you can (and should) preorder it now so you can be sure to curl up with it on Valentine’s Day.
ALSO: Y’all are the first to know that Rachel and I are doing a virtual event at Greenlight Bookstore on her launch day, January 25. It’s gonna be a hell of a convo—register here!
Women by Chloe Caldwell
After being recommended this novella more times than I can count, I finally devoured it last week. What an incredible portrait of the tumultuous beauty of queer relationships—shared clothes, angry emails, and all! I wish I’d read this before I came out—so many questions would’ve been answered about what to expect. If I ever have a daughter, I’m giving this shit to her.
Writing
Does the fact that I find writing itself to be agony, or the fact that I constantly procrastinate this newsletter mean that I’m really a writer, or that I’m not really a writer? Why can I STILL not convince myself that I’m a *real* writer, even though I’ve literally published a book and am literally writing words as we speak?
Station Eleven (HBO)
Obsessed with this show. (I never read the book, but I’m sure I would’ve been obsessed with that too.) On the surface SE is about a pandemic, but if that seems too triggering just know that the show is actually about people—how we react to power and pain, and what makes us believe that life is worth living, both pre- and post-apocalypse. The show is queer, in that it asks us to consider queering reality as we know it. SE poses powerful, poignant questions, and if that’s not enough for you, know that Emmanuel Lubezki does the cinematography (you might know his work from the remarkable Children of Men). At the very least, it’ll help you escape the hellhole that is our current reality. Watch watch watch.
Follow This Bisexual: Robyn Ochs
This section of the newsletter was written & compiled by my amazing intern, Macy Harder! Macy (she/her) is a journalism student at the University of Minnesota—not to mention another bisexual you should follow!
Robyn Ochs (she/they) wears many hats in her professional life, and is nothing short of a certified bi icon. She’s an educator, speaker, grassroots activist, and editor of multiple bi+ publications and anthologies.
To keep up with Robyn’s ongoing work within the bi community, be sure to check out their Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. Read on to learn about how the bi+ community has changed since Robyn came out, the elements of sustainable bi+ activism, and more.
You came out as bisexual 45 years ago. In what ways have you seen the bi+ community change since then?
R: Where do I begin? Forty-five years ago there was no internet — so no Google, no email, no Twitter, no Insta. Hell, we didn't even have voice mail back then! (though there were stationary telephones with twisted up cords, and there was postal service). There were no openly bi+ (or lesbian, gay or trans) characters on TV. There were just a few bi groups in the U.S., but I certainly did not know they existed. Unless you were extremely lucky, coming out was something you did alone and with very little information or support. Today we have the Internet. In the U.S. — and in many other countries — there are now a number of local bi+ organizations and some national ones as well. And LGBTQ+ organizations are — on the whole — much more welcoming than they were back in the bad old days. There are books. There are films. There are television characters. There's (personal plug) a FREE digital publication called Bi Women Quarterly, which I edit. All that said, there is a need for more resources, more visibility, better representation.
After being an active member of this community for so many years, what does bi visibility look like to you?
R: I couldn’t be more out unless I painted “I’m bisexual” on my forehead. But even after all these years, I still struggle with bi invisibility. We are so often read either by situational assumptions (as straight in the mainstream community or as lesbian in LGBTQ+ spaces) or by the gender of our life partner (mine happens to be a woman), so in order to be visible I have to come out over and over and over. It‘s exhausting and often annoying, but I see a real value in doing this. Every time I come out to someone, I serve as a beacon to other bi+ folks, and I make others aware that we are in the room. For this reason, I mention my work as a bi+ educator at every opportunity, and I often wear my beautiful little bi pride earrings (available on BiProducts, an Etsy shop I set up to support Bi Women Quarterly). Wearing them is my special way of making myself visible to other bi+ folks, and I love the smiles of recognition I sometimes get when wearing them. I also create bi+ visibility through editing Bi Women Quarterly.
In your work as a speaker and educator, have you noticed any recurring themes or questions that are typically brought up by younger generations of bi+ people?
R: Young people face many of the challenges faced by their elders, but they are on the whole much better informed, better equipped, and more open because they've had access to more information. Our growing understanding — especially amongst younger folks — that gender is not a simple binary has made it easier to understand sexuality, too, as a complex and nonbinary space. So to answer your question: the idea of nonbinary — and all of its implications — is a central theme. I've also observed that younger folks have a larger vocabulary to think about relationships and sexuality: the asexuality spectrum, the distinction between sexual and romantic attraction, and more. So much of what I teach, I have learned from young people.
Based on your experience as a grassroots activist, what are some essential elements of a sustainable bi+ movement?
R: We need to have many leaders/organizers, and those folks need to be diverse on every axis: racially, economically, geographically, age, relationship status, gender identity, disability, and so much more.
We need vehicles for strategizing and communicating amongst ourselves so that we can augment each others' work. We need funding, resources, and other tools to make our movement more sustainable. Historically, almost all of our work has been done by volunteers, and this has often led over time to burnout, with folks trying to layer their advocacy work on top of full-time jobs, and/or while navigating disabilities, parenting, or other challenges. And we need to create our own spaces and organizations and ALSO work with the broader LGBTQ+ community.
We need to be welcoming, to have an open door, and to keep on inviting folks in. It's crucial that we understand that we are all on our learning curve, and that folks new to bi+ spaces likely won't have the same terminology and framing as folks who have been involved for longer. We need to be kind to each other. That's the only way we will grow.
Lastly, do you have an all-time favorite piece of bi+ media?
R: Hands down — and not just because I'm the editor — Bi Women Quarterly is my favorite bi+ media. Check it out for yourself! I'm also a big fan of a recently-released book by someone named Jen Winston. Perhaps you've heard of her? The book — if my memory serves — is called Greedy.
Broadly, what I hunger for in terms of bi+ representation are bi+ characters whose bisexual identity is not a conflict or a plot twist, where it doesn't need to be constantly enacted (by sexual involvment with people of multiple genders) in order to be visible or real, and where the bi+ characters are not all white and cisgender. Interestingly but not surprisingly, there is a growing body of young adult literature that fits this bill. There are too many to list here, a quick Google search of “young adult novels with bisexual characters” will yield several lovely lists.
It's sad that almost everything I would classify as good representation has come out in the past few years. But turning that same statement upside down: It’s exciting that so much good media is being produced now!
Thank you so much for reading and subscribing to The Bi Monthly! I love you and I’m so grateful you’re here!
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