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Hi my loves,
Happy last day of July! As I type this, Iām sitting on the couch next to Brinleyātheyāre watching Okja because weāre on a Bong Joon-Ho kick (we watched The Host a few days ago and . . . damn). Iām a wee bit hungover because last night I had āgoing awayā work drinks with my current team in preparation for my new gig!
Iām so excited to dive into the world of VR/AR/XR, and to learn about all the people and orgs doing impactful things with this emerging technology. Iām fascinated by the ways VR can help people boost empathy, confront trauma, and stay connected. Will keep you posted on what I learn, do, and make. š¤
Thereās lot of new things going on in my life rnāalmost all of them good. Which brings me to a tiny lil PSA that you *might* have heard me say once or twice before:
CLICK HERE TO PREORDER MY BOOK!
If youāve ever heard that writing a book makes someone insufferable, know that this is an understatement. Iām still repairing my relationships from this process (and the process began on October 15, so I didnāt even have that long to f*ck things up). I called in favors, sent desperate emails, and learned how to swap statements like, āYou donāt have to do that,ā for ones like āTell me what you need to get started!ā Nothing has ever made me more selfish (ahem: GREEDY), and thatās guaranteed to get even worse as we get closer to launch (October 5). Thankfully Iām shameless, and on top of that, I really want people to read it.
Plus, if I dare say so, I think the book might be . . . good? It just got included on this Oprah Daily roundup of 2021's best queer books (they called it āprovocative and profound, funny and frankā baby!!!) and thereās so many other incredible books on this list. š© I definitely poured my heart into it, and itās nice seeing that effort counts for something. š
TL;DR: If you havenāt already preordered, it would truly mean the world for you to do so. To show my gratitude (and to offset my begging), hereās a fun BTS book anecdote: Right after I signed with Atria, I called some friends to have a brainstorm around potential titles. The hilarious David Burris suggested a very brilliant, very bisexual spin on a classic: Maybe Dick. š³ My editor vetoed it (for good reason since several bookstores wouldnāt have carried it that way), but stillāit might be the best pun Iāve ever heard.
The Bi Issue No One Talks About: Queer Hookup Anxiety
No, itās not just you.
The first few dates I went on with women were abysmal. Some of these are mentioned in my book (oh Iām sorryāyou thought I was done plugging it?) but others Iāve kept close to my chest. There are too many dates and interactions too embarrassing to share, even in a ātell-allā memoir.
I can, however, give you the gist of most of these interactions, since they usually played out in one of two ways:
Version 1:
Girl meets girl on dating app
Girl assumes that being nice will convey flirtation (her first mistake!), thus opens the conversation a thoughtful message complimenting girlās appearance, outfit, or travel history
Girl waits for a response but one doesnāt come (presumably because Girlās first message was platonic af)
Girl says āfuck itā and starts swiping on men againāthey all message her back immediately, so she sleeps with one later that night
Version 2:
Girl meets girl on dating app
Girl is shocked when girl agrees to get drinks
Girl panics about wtf to wear, recognizing that heels donāt exactly project queer vibes
Girl shows up in oversized sneakers, then nervously talks about herself the whole time, resulting in zero chemistry
Girl doesnāt get a second date
I knew deep in my soul (yep, my wet hot āsoulā) that I wanted to be with people besides just cis men. But every time I tried to flirt, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldnāt make any of those relationships take off.
As a result, I tumbled through every possible thought process: Maybe Iām bisexual and not biromantic. Maybe Iām biromantic and not bisexual. Maybe Iām demisexual. Maybe Iām a lesbian and Iām just that far in the closet. Maybe Iām just straight.
It took years (and lots of bi TikTok) for me to realize that I was exactly who I thought I was, and to see that this sense of self-doubt wasnāt exactly a unique feeling. Apparently, discomfort while dating, flirting with, and hooking up with women was a standard sentiment among bi women & femmes. Itās not something every bi femme person experiences, but itās something too many of us do.
But why?
I have a few theories:
Impostor syndrome. I could write a whole newsletter about this (and I basically did write a whole book about it) but on every one of those bad dates, Impostor Syndrome was running at full force, telling me I didnāt deserve to be there. Thereās nothing sexy about feeling like you donāt belong somewhereāitās no wonder I never could figure out what to wear on those dates, since no pair of shoes could ever make me feel like myself. Each dateāhell, even each dating app exchangeāhad an underlying sense of self-sabotage.
Internalized misogyny. Not me blaming patriarchy for my problems again! Youāve probably heard this through a viral tweet and/or TikTok, but the reason bi women are always perceived as being āin a phaseā and bi men are always perceived as being āactually gayā is because patriarchy makes us think everyone is only attracted to men. We internalize this, and the misconception feeds the aforementioned impostor syndrome.
Femme invisibility. Having to ālook queerā in order to be taken seriously pisses me the hell off. Yes, femme invisibility comes with privilege, but in exchange for that privilege, we get more and more impostor syndrome. That wouldnāt be such a big deal if it didnāt result in seriously devastating stats about our mental health. Bi people have higher rates of anxiety and depression than gay or straight people. Femme invisibility certainly protects us against violence or microaggressions that happen to folks who ālook queer,ā its also responsible for keeping us closeted from the world at large.
The comphet sex script. Compulsive heteronormativity is one of the hardest things for all queer people to unlearn, and itās especially relevant in the context of queer sex. Straight sex has a preexisting script (albeit a flawed one): Start with foreplay, then progress into penetration, then get offāideally at the same time. But queer sex is different. It requires communication. It requires asking questions. It requires creating our pleasure together. And developing that skillset isnāt exactly easy. Itās definitely not waltz-into-a-first-date-and-be-seductive effortless. It takes lots of unlearning and internal work. And itās hard to get through through that work before you have a deeply satisfying (thus deeply affirming) sexual experience, because how do you even know the importance of that work without having had queer sex? A vicious cycle if Iāve ever heard one.
Iām the worst kind of complainer today, because I only come bearing problemsāno solutions. I do think that if Iād known thisāif someone had told me that it was normal to feel like I donāt belong, and to have that feeling fuck with everything from my ability to flirt to my sex driveāit wouldāve been easier to get past it.
Not knowing what to expect was one of the hardest parts of coming out, and honestly, it speaks to bi erasure in a bigger way that the info wasnāt readily available.
Does the issue resonate? Have you found tactics to deal with it? Comment on this post if soāyour words might help someone else too ššš
Follow This Bisexual: Capri Campeau
This section of the newsletter was written & compiled by my amazing intern,Ā Macy Harder! Macy (she/her) is a journalism student at the University of Minnesotaānot to mention another bisexual you should follow!
Capri Campeau (she/they) is a queer content creator on Instagram and TikTok, as well as a Bi+ relationship coach (you can even book a free consult here). She creates content to entertain and educate the bisexual community with the goal of helping all people who fall under the bisexual umbrella feel seen and validated in their queer experience.
You've amassed quite the following on TikTok! What are some things you strive to accomplish on your platform there?
The biggest thing for me has always been maintaining a healthy and thriving community where bi+ individuals feel like they are validated. I would love to keep expanding the community and finding people who had no clue this would be a safe space for them.
My goal within the next year is, either through coaching or content, to have over one million bi babies who Iāve been able to help find themselves & love themselves as who they are.
Eventually, Iād love for that to look like some sort of online or live session where everyone can meet as frequently as theyād like and feel heard. These sessions could help people get advice from others who have been there and want to help support.
What's a common misconception that people have about bisexuality?
There are so many misconceptions about bisexuality. Something that I love about our bisexual community is that it is SO DIVERSE. Bisexuality can mean, look, and feel differently for every member of the bisexual+ community- and guess what? Thatās totally okay!
One misconception Iāve been coming across lately is: Biseuxal people always feel attraction ā50/50,ā as in ā50% of their attraction goes to the primary gender theyāre attracted to and the other 50% goes to another gender.ā This could be totally true for some people, but absolutely wrong in others. For one, attraction is not cake. Saying youāre attracted to one gender doesnāt mean you only have x amount of attraction left for the others.
Bisexuality is also valid if its ā90% to one genderā & ā10% attraction to nonbinary people,ā or any way you want to spin it. Thereās not only one way to be bisexual, and thatās what makes our community so beautiful.
Do you think becoming comfortable with your bisexuality has also helped you better understand your gender identity? If so, how have these journeys intersected?
Absolutely! As a kid growing up in the 2000ās I never thought too much about my gender, but as I started expressing my bisexuality online and really studying sexuality and gender, I have begun to do more unpacking about what my gender means to me. As of right now, I feel most at home identifying as a woman, but I do believe where I live in my womanhood is fluid. The coolest thing about understanding your gender and sexuality is that it is a lifelong process. No one is ever ādoneāāat least that's how I feel about myself. So right now, I identify as a woman, but I allow myself the grace to explore what other things may also feel like home.
Whether on Instagram or TikTok, your content promotes messages of self love and bi+ positivity. How would you say these two things are connected?
(Content warning mention of depression and mental illness)
There have been many studies that have shown bisexual individuals show higher levels of depression than other members of the LGBTQ+ community. They are more likely to be unsure of their identity and hide their sexuality because of fear of ostracization from both the gay and straight communities. This can have a huge impact on mental health, and if not addressed, can be extremely damaging.
Loving yourself as a bi person (especially a newly bi personāif this is you, hi! So proud of you!) can be extremely difficult. Weāre living in a world with very little bisexual representation, and often that representation feels super two dimensional, or shows a minute part of the bisexual experience. For me growing up, it made me feel dirty and wrong. The fun and cool people on TV shows were never actually biāthey usually came out as gay/lesbian later or let it just be a phase in the plot line. Educating bisexual people on finding themselves without talking about how to love yourself [at the same time] would be dangerous.
My job is to be the person who lifts that veil (if someone is ready) with love, and hold your hand until you feel safe walking out by yourself. Thatās why, along with my videos, I offer coaching, because some people need a little bit more help than others, and thatās okay.
Is there a meme or TikTok that you've been laughing at recently?
YES! I found a meme that said the baseball scene in twilight (you know exactly what Iām talking about) is the epitome of bisexual culture, and every time I think about it, I laugh.
Thank you so much for reading and subscribing toĀ The Bi Monthly! I love you and Iām so grateful youāre here!
As mentioned up top, this newsletter has a paid optionāif youād like to support this work directly, feel free to subscribe. Paid subscriptions will also include early access to exclusive content from myself and guest creators too!Ā š„³š„³š„³
Issue 11: Bi Me A River š¦
This resonates with me so deeply! I would add another factor for myself: I respect womenās opinions way more than I respect menās, so the stakes feel higher. Over many years of dating men Iāve come to a place where I can tell myself itās a privilege for them to go on a date with me so I donāt stress so much about how I look and act ā¦ but with women I care so much about what they think of me!
First of all, hi! I'm Brynn, the girl from Avalon @ Nowadays who recognized you -- sorry if I seemed drunk and weird, I a) was drunk and b) have social anxiety! ANYWAY, omg, a million times yes to this post!! Literally have felt so paralyzed even trying to ~send messages~ to girls on dating apps that the majority of my queer hookups have been with friends. Which, lol, is often complicated and messy! But the alternative terrifies me! I don't have a solution either (other than trying to make new friends to eventually awkwardly hit on with mixed results) but it certainly does feel nice to have my experience validated, so thank you!